At the time of my diagnosis and finding out about my treatment plan, my mind was a tornado of information. I was thinking about going through IVF and having my eggs removed, having all my breast tissue removed through surgery, being stuck with a needle in the port every three weeks for chemo treatment and having my chest and back burnt every morning for 6 weeks. While all of these thoughts mixed around in my head, the topic that always rose to the top of mind for me and became a big focus was the fact that I would lose my hair and I would look like a cancer patient. The thought of my hair falling out and my head becoming bald tore me to pieces.

For as long as I can remember I was a blonde haired girl. My hair was mostly short, but in the Winter of 2014/’15 my hair was the longest it had been since I had grown it out for my wedding in 2011. I had changed my hair style - short, long, bangs, however I had never changed the color, always blonde. As I got older I did get highlights to lighten the roots, but I never made drastic changes. I was a natural blonde - that was a big part of my identity.

I knew it was going to be extremely hard for me so I took baby steps to get ready for the day my first strand would fall out. As soon as I found out the chemotherapy I would be given would cause my hair to fall out I decided I needed to cut my hair very short. I went to my hair stylist and told her my medical situation and said “CUT IT!” I let her give me the cut without any input. My mom came with as support. A glass of white wine was poured as well. Most of my adolescent life I had short hair so this wasn’t going to be the worst part, however I had never had close to a pixie cut though. This was as drastic as I had ever cut my hair. It was right before my husbands birthday and I was nervous about what he was going to think. What a birthday present I thought to myself - his wife gets cancer and the woman he fell in love with would be changing physically from head to toe. Tiffany, my stylist, turned me around after she was done cutting and with anxious butterflies in my stomach I sighed with tears in my eyes. I was actually ok with the cut. I just knew what was coming next which is what brought on the tears. I went home and my husband told me how much he loved it. I actually had the most compliments on this hair cut than I ever had before. It put me in a good place for the time being.

Around this time, I was sent information about the freeze cap. I looked into it a little bit and asked my doctor about her thoughts. I wasn’t given much information outside what I had already found, other than the chemotherapy I would be given would most certainly cause my hair follicles to fall out. I have heard recently a lot more women using them - I even saw on the new show “The Village” one of the characters using it. (If you are interested in using this please ask your doctor for more information).

The day came to pick out my wig. My mom and aunt came with me to Naturally Yours in Willowbrook, IL to help me find my style. I didn’t know if I would wear the wig, but I wanted to have it so that if I decided I needed a change from a hat or scarf that it was available. I tried on a few wigs that were very similar to my shoulder length hair that I had once before. It was between my new short pixie and my below the shoulders cut. I mostly tried on blonde wigs, but did try a few dark ones as well. It was pretty crazy how much I looked like my sister in these dark wigs. I picked out my style, made the purchase and left with a few hats to start me off.

I was given my third treatment and was told that around this time was when my hair would start falling out. It was time to go back to Naturally Yours to pick up my wig and have my hair buzzed. I didn’t watch it happen - I just cried the entire time. My mom, aunt, sister and husband were there to support me and smiled at me the entire time the buzzer touched my head and another section fell to the floor.

Being the most amazing husband - my husband couldn’t stop telling me how much he loved me with a buzzed head. I didn’t believe him so I kept him from taking photos. He did sneak a photo one evening (above). I look back on the experience and now wish I had more photos because this was a time in my life that I would learn that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and it’s what on the inside that counts and that looks - hair, facial features (eyelashes and eyebrows), skin, and features that make you a “woman” really don’t matter. I thought I always knew this, but I guess I didn’t. It took me until my 30th year to really understand the true meaning of what makes you YOU and that it doesn’t matter what others think as long as you are being yourself and YOU LOVE YOU.

Soon after my hair was buzzed I started to find little strands of hair on my pillow. I struggled with seeing patches of my head with no hair. One of the strangest feelings for me was washing my hair (or really my head). Pretty soon I was all peach fuzz on my head. I had already started to wear caps to bed to help the friction of my head rubbing on my pillow. I tried using a silk pillowcase with no cap, but I felt most comfortable with the cap on especially when the night air was cool. (If anyone has a cap or pillowcase they have used that they’d like to recommend please share).

It was time to get more scarves and hats for my days out of the house. I mostly kept a cap on at home to keep my head warm, but I also let my head out when I was on my own. Going out in public without anything on my head wasn’t very comfortable for me right away. I applaud the women who I have seen out rocking the bald. I love their courage! Unfortunately, I still had it in my head that if I did, people would look at me and see me as a cancer patient, which I still wasn’t ready to take on as a title.

I tried my best to keep a positive attitude throughout it all, but I had certain days where I would be with family or friends or go into work where I felt pretty low.

Around the time of my niece’s birthday, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and two nieces came over to the park near our house. They were little and we didn’t see them often so I knew there would be a chance that they wouldn’t run up to my husband and I, but when they ran smiling to my husband and looked up at me like I was a complete stranger my heart sank. My husband has always captured the hearts of the little ones, but this day I took it pretty hard that they didn’t immediately give me a hug. In the next few weeks, I was sitting with my other niece and she would tell me that she had another Aunt Lauren. I sat puzzled because I thought I would have known this other Lauren. She explained that this other Aunt Lauren had long blonde hair. I realized she meant me, but with my bald head, hats and scarfs and her being 3 she didn’t realize that I was her only Aunt Lauren.

It wasn’t until my birthday in August, 2 months after my last chemotherapy, that I was ready to rock my peach fuzz with a few centimeters of hair growth. It was my 30th birthday and my husband took me out for an amazing dinner. The day after my family joined us for the Lady Antebellum concert. We gathered at my apartment before driving to the venue and I remember asking “hat or no hat”. They told me to go with whatever I was comfortable with. I decided not to wear a hat as I was feeling good and felt that I had enough hair to not be “bald”. Walking around the venue I had a lot of compliments which took me by surprise. The day after the show I was looking at photos and was shocked by how bald I looked. I couldn’t believe that they let me go without a hat. But then I remembered that no one looked at me strangely and I actually looked pretty good!

My hair started to come back dark and curly. I would rock all sorts of styles as the strands started to fill my head centimeter by centimeter. It would take a long time for my hair to even get to my ears. As I walked around the city with my new dos, I received many compliments about my short hair. It was hard to say thank you because in the back of my head I hadn’t chosen to wear it that way - it was that way because I was sick.

Letting the compliments build me up was hard, many times they just brought anxiety about going out without a head cover. It wasn’t until I had the double mastectomy, radiation, last Herceptin and reconstruction surgery that I was finally able to “let my hair down”. At first I couldn’t wait until I had my long blonde hair again, but I’m now just so happy to have my hair (any length and color). I know that there are survivors that aren’t able to grow their back or have it come back a shade that makes them uncomfortable.

Let’s try as a support community to not put so much emphasis on beauty on the outside and celebrate the life of your loved one and their internal health. As a survivor try to celebrate that you are thriving and not focus on you hair - even though I know it’s easier said than done!

Let’s try to let our “hair” (natural, fuzz or wig!) down a little more often!

All about the hair