The search for a surrogacy agency started in March of 2016 and we signed on officially with Conceivabilities (in Chicago) in June of 2016. There were meetings, interviews, questionnaires, and phone calls all leading up to us making this next step in growing our family. One of the important factors we like was that Conceivabilities focuses on is their match process. There is a pool of surrogates that answer the same questions as the intended parents. After the intended parents answer their questions, the match process starts. What would both sides want to have happen if the embryo split into two? What would be the decision if the test showed that the baby would have a life threatening predisposition? How would the intended parents feel about having a surrogate out of state? What would the communication be like between both parties? Text only? FaceTime? How would the intended parents like to receive updates? Would there be restrictions for the surrogate regarding diet?

After only a few weeks we were informed the agency had a match! We were told it would be a lot longer, but here we were about to have a Skype call with the surrogate and her husband that could potentially help to bring a beautiful baby into this world. Living in Chicago we were told that there was a chance that if we wanted a surrogate in Chicago that we would need to wait a lot longer. This would have been more convenient, however we were so excited to get the process started since we knew it would take some time. Really, we would have worked with a surrogate anywhere! We would soon find out our surrogate and her family were from Winston- Salem, NC! At first I wasn’t sure how this would work. How would we go to appointments? What appointments would we go to? Most on my mind was what would we do to get our baby? This would have to be something we would just have to figure out, which we did!

I had so many feelings going on inside me at this time. I was not only in survivorship which I would find is the hardest stage of having a cancer diagnosis, but I was soon going to be meeting two strangers who were open to the idea of helping another couple grow a family. We had talked it through so many times as a couple and with the psychologist about what it looked like to have a baby this way, but it still wasn’t going to be easy for me to be ready for the process. As I shared already, I had already lost a lot over the past year and it just wasn’t going to be easy for me to allow another woman to care for my baby for 9 months. I had to remind myself that the surrogate’s uterus was just a home for 9 months, but my baby’s home would be with me and my husband for the rest of his/her life. How would I be able to bond with my child when I wasn’t carrying them? This played over and over in my head. Would I feel a connection? What would it be like when the baby came into the world and I saw them for the first time? I wouldn’t be feeling legs kick or hearing heart beats at ultrasounds each appointment. How was I going to get through this process?

The Skype call with the surrogate and her husband was only slightly uncomfortable. Ok who am I kidding it was just plain uncomfortable and awkward. It’s one thing to meet someone for the first time and have general small talk, but here we were meeting for the first time and talking about BIG stuff. We went through the important questions we first answered when we signed on with the agency. My family and friends didn’t know how we felt about having twins or having a child with Down syndrome, but here we were talking to two strangers about it. It was up to us on whether we wanted this mom of two boys to carry our embryos and it was up to them if they wanted to work with us. Eric and I got off the call and we both looked at each other knowing what the other was thinking. We loved them! What a kind and caring couple - a nurse and police officer. We knew that we had found our match. We would have to hope that they felt the same about us.

MATCHED! Now comes the legal! This would take another 3-4 months to get the language right in our contract and a few exchanges back and forth with changes regarding payment, travel, communication, embryo transfer details, delivery hospital and receiving updates. We weren’t allowed to talk to our surrogate until all signatures were received and pages had our initials. Until then we had a match manager that we worked with as well as we communicated with the legal team in California. After a few law firms were recommended because they focused on reproduction law, we landed on an agency that we felt would represent us well. During this time the surrogate was also getting medical clearance from our fertility clinic. She and her husband would travel to Chicago in October for this clearance from our doctor. This would be the first time we would meet in person. It was strange talking with them on Skype but now we would be in person face to face. What would we talk about? Would we find common likes and dislikes? It turned out to be a nice dinner and we would find out she was medically clear. Legal was set and our surrogate cleared; we were now moving on to discussions about the transfer.

It was now December and the holidays were all around us. We had shared the news with our families that we were going to try to have a baby. The response to having a baby was pure excitement. It was the reaction to it being via surrogate that was not expected. I didn’t have expectations but the straight faces that I looked at when we shared the news with my parents made me question why they didn’t respond with more joy. They left and we went on with the day. My dad would later call me to talk about their reaction and that he and my mom were sorry for how they responded. “It was just new to them” he said and they didn’t know the right way to respond since they didn’t know anyone that had used a surrogate before. It was going to be new and different for all of us so I moved on hoping that we would receive support from everyone going forward.

We had legal clearance and the date was set in January for embryo transfer. Our surrogate and her husband arrived the night before and we went out for a nice Italian dinner and to Second City for an improv show. The next morning we went to the transfer appointment. All four of us were sitting in the waiting room. Our surrogate and her husband went into the clinic’s room to get prepped. Eric and I waited until they called us in. We decided we wanted to be in the room for the 2 embryo transfer. It was strange all being in the room together, but this could be our baby being made so that was my focus. We left the room and I for some reason didn’t get a great feeling. It seems that there may have been a placement issue, but there was no confirmation. We all left the clinic and now it was time to wait. AND WAIT! AND WAAIITT! The embryos cells weren’t splitting the way they needed to. There was NO pregnancy. I was crushed. We were heartbroken. Eric and I were so ready, but it didn’t work. We were meant to be parents, right? I was already struggling with not being able to carry a child on my own and the love I had for myself was very little and NOW THIS? The next few months were rough. I was pretty depressed and it was a struggle to get through each day. Eric and I said that we wanted to try again, but was I ready? Were we ready? Would it work?

In June, we decided to try again. We reviewed the details of the transfer. This time we would only transfer one. Would this change anything? We had no idea, but we were going to do everything different. We wouldn’t go in the room this time. We would wait in the waiting room. The transfer day was set for September 21st! Happy Birthday to my Grandma. It had very special meaning that the transfer was this day as my grandma fought breast cancer and after years of metastatic (which i didn’t even know this is what she had) she left us. This time after the transfer, the doctor came out to Eric and me in the waiting room with a big smile saying she had a “Really good feeling!” This time the transfer took - our surrogate was pregnant!! Nine months later we would travel down to North Carolina to welcome our beautiful baby girl Matilda. My parents were there and my husband Eric’s parents were there with us. It was such a beautiful day! I will forever remember the car ride the next day back to Chicago - with a pit stop in Dayton, Ohio (where I went to college!). In one day my daughter had been in more states than I had in the first 10 years of my life! National traveler! We would have many trips together as a family and it truly is a blessing to have her in my life.

More needs to be talked about fertility and options when diagnosed with cancer. I’ve heard that sometimes the doctor doesn’t always tell a patient about preserving their eggs or sperm because they don’t know if they want a family or can afford. Everyone deserves the opportunity to try to grow their family. Every doctor should bring it up and let the patient decide. Regarding surrogacy - using one or being one - there should be more discussions around this as well. I’ve been able to talk with others who have used surrogates, but it’s still not the norm. It shouldn’t be an uncomfortable conversation because there are so many families that struggle with fertility. (I’ll never understand this, but that’s for another time and another post!) I am hopeful that this will be a growing conversation - even if I’m the one that needs to start it!

A special thank you to all surrogates out there especially ours for allowing families to grow! Without your kindness and selfless acts, our little two year old who is the love of our lives wouldn’t be here. Thank you to the surrogacy agency as well!

Surrogacy Journey (as an intended parent)